Life

I was having an argument tonight with my husband, and in the middle of the conversation it hit me that I don't really like where I am in my life. I had one of those "this is not how I pictured my life would be" moments. I'm assuming most people have those at some point in their life, so I guess I'm normal. But I feel like I've spent a lot of my time trying to "fix" things with everyone around me, that I have let ME go to the wayside. Again, probably not something that is uncommon to most women.

I am sitting here going through my process of getting to the root of the problem in my own head. Am I the problem? Is he the problem? Are we both the problem? Where to begin. I always do this, I get in my head and decide I need to narrow it all down, find a place to begin. A place that will start a domino effect for the rest of the issues I need to resolve. But is that realistic or am I just setting myself up to fail? Even worse, is this problem bigger then I realize?

Do you ever have a conversation with your spouse and by the time you're finished you feel like you've talked yourself in a circle? You both walk away feeling like nothing has been resolved and/or like you've just metaphorically become a heavy bag that a boxer spent the last hour punching?

Where do you go to find a place where you can both feel safe in the saying the feelings you have out loud without worrying that the other person is going to make you feel like a fool? And do we as women take the brunt of feelings like we are doing everything wrong? Or is that just me? I feel like I can't win. I try to be nice and supportive, no result. I try to be mean and say hurtful things to attempt a reaction. I then end up being the asshole. I try to just move forward and act like that big fat elephant in the room isn't there. That never works. I start to feel like maybe I'm the only one who thinks about this stuff, and maybe I'm just being a "stupid" girl about everything. Then I think maybe I'm just creating drama. But then it all still comes right back up. So is it him or me? I am just simply not ever going to be satisfied with anything anyone does?

I had my chart read once, astrological crap yes, that is what I'm talking about. I was told that I should stick this one out because I am a very demanding person, and I expect a lot from my partner and I should be happy with the fact that I found someone who is tolerant of this characteristic. So I should settle because my partner is settling on me?

So I can say that I don't believe in the unicorns or finding a leprechaun at the end of a rainbow, but I do NOT want to be in a relationship where the person I am with is tolerating my demanding nature, and I am in turn settling for this person because they put up with me and no one will really ever satisfy me. There has to be a way to find a place where we can have a realistic fairytale for a change, where we can be all the things I want and all the things he wants. But the question I am left with here tonight...can we find that with eachother?