Life

I was having an argument tonight with my husband, and in the middle of the conversation it hit me that I don't really like where I am in my life. I had one of those "this is not how I pictured my life would be" moments. I'm assuming most people have those at some point in their life, so I guess I'm normal. But I feel like I've spent a lot of my time trying to "fix" things with everyone around me, that I have let ME go to the wayside. Again, probably not something that is uncommon to most women.

I am sitting here going through my process of getting to the root of the problem in my own head. Am I the problem? Is he the problem? Are we both the problem? Where to begin. I always do this, I get in my head and decide I need to narrow it all down, find a place to begin. A place that will start a domino effect for the rest of the issues I need to resolve. But is that realistic or am I just setting myself up to fail? Even worse, is this problem bigger then I realize?

Do you ever have a conversation with your spouse and by the time you're finished you feel like you've talked yourself in a circle? You both walk away feeling like nothing has been resolved and/or like you've just metaphorically become a heavy bag that a boxer spent the last hour punching?

Where do you go to find a place where you can both feel safe in the saying the feelings you have out loud without worrying that the other person is going to make you feel like a fool? And do we as women take the brunt of feelings like we are doing everything wrong? Or is that just me? I feel like I can't win. I try to be nice and supportive, no result. I try to be mean and say hurtful things to attempt a reaction. I then end up being the asshole. I try to just move forward and act like that big fat elephant in the room isn't there. That never works. I start to feel like maybe I'm the only one who thinks about this stuff, and maybe I'm just being a "stupid" girl about everything. Then I think maybe I'm just creating drama. But then it all still comes right back up. So is it him or me? I am just simply not ever going to be satisfied with anything anyone does?

I had my chart read once, astrological crap yes, that is what I'm talking about. I was told that I should stick this one out because I am a very demanding person, and I expect a lot from my partner and I should be happy with the fact that I found someone who is tolerant of this characteristic. So I should settle because my partner is settling on me?

So I can say that I don't believe in the unicorns or finding a leprechaun at the end of a rainbow, but I do NOT want to be in a relationship where the person I am with is tolerating my demanding nature, and I am in turn settling for this person because they put up with me and no one will really ever satisfy me. There has to be a way to find a place where we can have a realistic fairytale for a change, where we can be all the things I want and all the things he wants. But the question I am left with here tonight...can we find that with eachother?

Growing pains...

So the other day at work the girls and I were sitting around chatting about all the random and traumatizing things we all went through as young girls. It all started when I said something about how I am kind of excited for all the lovely things I get to share with my daughter. Teaching her how to do her make-up, doing her hair, shoe shopping, etc. And then of course things took a turn another direction and we all began to laugh hysterically about all the horrible things we dealt with. Getting our period, acne, boys, boobs, bra's, that maturation program in 5th grade, pubic hair, hair in all sorts of weird places, shaving, boys some more. We even got into it about the way our parents talked to us about sex or in some cases didn't talk to us about sex. (My parents were always pretty open, but I never seemed to have the right questions to ask to get all the dirt) We then of course found our way into the lovely art of giving birth, which is the final resting place for our lovely little youthful bodies. I just have to say this, being a female is a seriously rough job.

So let's back up. 5th grade, I'll skip maturation because I don't remember feeling like it was awkward, more that I had to convince myself to feel awkward because all the kids felt awkward.  But I do have a memory of 5th grade that was one of many moments that shaped my youth. It was Valentines Day Dance time, and we had to fill out dance cards. My teacher was very specific that we were NOT to fill out our cards in advance, we had to wait until we were in the gym to fill them out, after the boys had asked us. So of course I wrote in the boys names that I was  secretly hoping would ask me, very lightly in pencil. Which my light pencil seemed to turn into a neon sign. My teacher came at me like a tractor beam. And I was sent back to the classroom, to sit there by myself, and made an example of in front of the entire 5th grade. The next year of course was the first year my soccer team attended a tournament over Presidents Day in Phoenix, so I then missed every single Valentines Day dance for the remainder of my school days. 

I am thinking it was either 5th or 6th grade when the training bra came into my life. I still have this little bra, if you want to call it a bra, in a box in storage in my basement of little keepsakes I've kept along the way. I have memories of this little bra, which is more like two tiny little triangles, probably an inch in size, with a yellow flower in the middle, which was probably bigger then my actual boobs at the time, crawling up to my neck. I was so embarrassed to wear it, I hated it. The adjusting, the straps showing through my t-shirt, oh lord what if someone noticed. But even more ugly were the little marble size breasts that were growing underneath all this bra trauma. UGH! I get that men love boobs, but growing them is sure a pain in the ass.

Then came 7th grade. A girl started a rumor that I started a rumor in gym class that another girl was stuffing her bra. Which was SO not true. I hated boobs, I felt bad for anyone who had to have them, why would I start a rumor that someone was trying to have BIGGER boobs! Oh lord help her. The drama, which now makes for a funny story about Jr High drama. 

Also in 7th grade I got my fated period. Aunt Flo, "that time of the month", you name it, it's horrible. Listen to this story...So I had this boyfriend, as real as a boyfriend can be in 7th grade. We used to sit outside for lunch every day. Well this day I was wearing overalls to school, and they happened to be acid washed almost to the point of being white, overalls. ugh. Well after lunch was social studies, with Mrs. Grasshopper, (which isn't her real name, but she was old and mean, and looked like a gray haired grasshopper). In this class we had to sit in alphabetical order. And the kid who came after me was the meanest kid, he tortured the hell out of me all of Jr High and High School. So of course the teacher was very strict, no talking, no blinking, no breathing really. So I got up to get something from the front of the class. Well I guess good old Aunt Flo decided to pay me my first visit at lunch earlier that day, little did I know how or what was going on. And when I stood up the horrible boy behind me yelled outloud, "look everybody, Annie has a hole in the butt of her pants" Well kids that was NOT a hole, but a horrible showing to the entire world that I was officially a woman! UGH! So I asked every girl I knew for a jacket to tie around my waist, nothing. I tried the idea of flipping my overalls down to cover it, didn't work. I finally took a school book and held it over my butt. Then went and asked Mrs. Grasshopper if I could go to the office and call my mom. To which she gave me a freakin' quarter and told me I could go use the payphone! ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME! She must've not been human. Oh the trauma of that day! Now my mom had sort of talked to me about this whole period business, so I kind of knew what was going on. But at the same time, I really had no idea what is was actually going to be like.  I'll spare you the story about learning to use a tampon vs a pad. That will be for another day, but every girl on the planet has dealt with this or will deal with it. And it's just unpleasant all the way around. We don't love the moodiness, the bitchiness, the cramps, the irrational thinking anymore then the men in our lives do trust me. 

Jr High is simply just a rough time in all of lives. The one thing that I can say is this, we survived it. We didn't think we would, but we did. Some better the others, but we made it out alive at least. The good news is that once your get to your adulthood, you can hopefully look back and giggle about all the horrible random things you had to deal with during puberty. And hopefully, even more important, we can remember a small glimpse of what we went through so we can help our children deal with it. I hope I can at least. I hope that when my daughter calls me from school or somewhere and tells me she has her period, I can be understanding, and only start laughing after I hang up the phone with her...hehe.

I could go on with funny stories, figuring out my body was rough. Choices you make at this young age when you think you are so old & mature & ready to take on the world, and you aren't. You have no idea how precious and short this time in your life will be. 

I have spent some time in my life wishing I looked a certain way, weighed a certain amount, fit in a certain size, but as I am about to turn 30, (in 3 weeks) I have come to the conclusion that its time to just embrace the body I have, the weight I'm at, the clothes that fit me now, and work it! You only live once, and life is too short to spend wishing on the past. Going forward is really the best move you can make in life. The best thing we can do is learn from our past, learn from our little funny stories, and become better people, better partners, better parents, better children, better friends. It really is the best way to go, in my opinion. 

I'll write more one of these nights when I have something to say. 

Cheers! 

My thoughts!

It's been a bit since I updated this blog. Being a mom will do that to you. Well that's not exactly true, I have several friends who blog, and do it well. I have just need to get on top of things I guess. I have an old friend who has recently come back into my life, and she suggested I start a blog, and put all my crazy stories down. Well I had this one set up, but haven't spent much time with it, so here I go...my attempt to be more on top of the blog world. 

And here I sit ready to type my little heart out, and I go blank. I can't believe it! I make time for this, and nothing.  Strange. I am not a person who has little to say, but this is more an issue of where to start. I always have 10 things circulating around in my mind, but now that I want to put something out, nothing! 

Ok, so here we go. I am going to in fact tell a story about the very friend that suggested I start a blog. She was my first best friend in my life. We lived across the street from one another until we were in Jr. High I believe. She was a girl I have a lot of memories of, not all good. We spent all our time together as kids. Or so it seemed. I have funny memories of little random things we used to talk about, compete over, or little sayings we used to share. For example, we used to say "you're dead o meat squat", which really as a line from Karate Kid, when the blond guy is fighting the kid, and says "that don't mean squat". I like dead o meat myself. We used to both have matching Strawberry shortcake dolls, and for some reason hers always smelled more like strawberries then mine did! There are times when she would have me sit in her yard and watch her little sister so she could run down the street and play with the boys. Or how when we started 7th grade she acted so proud of me for wearing mascara! 

However one of the best, classic moments of our friendship came the summer after 6th grade. I love this story. It could seriously be a scene in a movie. Amazing! This really cute boy lived down the street from us, and I had a major crush on him. Well this boy happened to share a birthday with my friend, and so they always acted as if they were brother and sister. So this little friend of mine had her own room in the basement of her parents house. One day she got this brilliant plan to have this boy come over to her house, and sit in her bedroom closet while she talked to me about how much I liked him. So think about how you felt as a 6th grader, and how having a crush on anyone of the opposite sex was so tragic. Well this was definitely a classic moment in destroying my hopes of ever having this boy even talk to me. So it was all set up, and she sends me down to her room. She was getting something upstairs. I however happened to be a very nosey kid, and for some reason opened her closet door to snoop around. Well I found the boy, and the whole plan fell apart. And to top it all off, this friend of mine was so pissed at me for snooping through the closet that it actually became the issue. More then the fact that she was about to humiliate me in front of this boy! 

Well time has passed, we are now both mothers! Our lives have gone very different directions. And then one day she found me on Facebook of all places. This girl has been through more in her life then I could imagine. We have reconnected and I am very happy to have her back in my life. She has a blog where she has basically journalled her life for the past few years. And believe me the things this woman has experienced and lived through are amazing. I think we can all say we've been through a few things at this age in our lives, but this friend of mine really has. I can't say that I would've been able to handle these trials like she has. I really admire this girl. And on top of that am feeling very blessed to have her back in my life. There is a time and a reason for everything that happens to all of. And I think that all the funny little things we went through together as kids, were just the beginning of the memories we'll have together. I guess it really is fair to say, and very possible that you can meet your best friend at the age of 4. Who knew!? 

I will say this, I am very happy to have you back in my life girl! And I am very happy that your have such a beautiful life. Your husband is amazing. Your son is a dream. And I know Ms. Hazel has had a hand in all of it! Much love to you! 

The dog ate my poop!

It must be something a boy just knows, that he simply has the ability to pee wherever he pleases. Is this due to the handy location of the instrument that he pee's from? Probably!

Merrick, 3 years old, very successful at always going potty in the POTTY! Until one quiet afternoon with Grandpa. They were playing in the backyard, and the neighbors dog lifted a leg and pee'd through the chain link fence...and so begins my sons fascination with peeing wherever it's convenient. (And grandpa's enjoyment of seeing me freak out that my son is peeing everywhere). Well Grandpa on this fine day, in response to the dog peeing through the fence, teaches my son to pee back through the fence. Of course I didn't find out about it until Grandpa was bragging about how awesome it was!

A few weeks later, my beautiful boy became the kid at the park who just pee'd in front of everyone when he decided to whip it out in the middle of a birthday party and pee right next to the entrance to the big, rented, blow up, jumping castle thing! Ahhhh! I was standing on the other side of the party, and looked up to see him pulling up his pants, and turned to my boyfriend and asked why he thought our son had his pants down in the middle of the park. I then ran to my son and asked him, and he informed me that he had to pee. And that Grandpa said it was ok to pee outside! WRONG!

A couple days later, we were at Grandpa's house, it was Father's Day. I was inside cleaning up, and my son was in the back yard playing with the dogs. I went out to check on him, because as you know when a kid gets quiet it usually means they are doing something naughty. Well sure enough it was naughty...Again Merrick is pulling up his pants, with Mack (a mini dachshund) close behind. Preparing myself for another pee story, I ask him what he was doing. "I pooped mama, but I can't find my poop because Mack ate it!" (My child speaks very well for a 3 year old) So now we have progressed from peeing in the park to providing a delicious poopy treat for Mack! Good lord! So Merrick spent the next 10 minutes in time out, sitting on the toilet, so he could be reminded that the only place we poop is in the toilet!

I am hoping that this also got the point across to my father that teaching a kid to pee outside only leads to bad poopy things, and that he was in as much trouble as my son. And that maybe the fact that his little dog just ate poop with the mouth that licks him! ha!

Unfortunately the story does not end here. I thought that the time out on the toilet, and the big trouble was enough, however I am sad to say, 4 days have passed, and we are still battling the newly learned ability to pee wherever Merrick finds convenient.

We were cleaning up the house, and I had asked Merrick to go to his room and pick up his toys. I was cleaning my bathroom, and again Merrick was quiet. Yikes! So I head to his room to check on his progress. Well I catch him carrying his Halloween pumpkin bucket to his bathroom, and he starts dumping out some liquid...in my head I'm thinking, please god let that be water and not pee! I ask Merrick was he was dumping in the toilet, and with the guiltiest look on his face ever, he giggles and tells me it's pee! GIGGLES! Ummm no sir, giggling is really not appropriate at this point, so again we have a big, loud talk about how we don't pee anywhere but in the toilet. And more time out!

I have to wonder if all this random peeing, in random places i.e. the pumpkin bucket, is his way of telling me that he's jealous of his new baby sister, and all this peeing is getting him attention! That or it's just a male prerogative to pee whenever & wherever they please, and that trait just happens to be something that comes with the territory of having a boy!

I WONDER...

I was having one of my usual chats on the phone with my dad the other day...My dad loves to chat about things, about the most recent show he saw on history channel, or politics, or soccer, or whatever he's into at the moment. I love it! I always learn something new, and most of the time I feel like I may have taught him something. Or at least given him some insight on the way I view the world. So let me give you a little back story to start...

I have a 3 year old son & just had a baby girl in April. Pre-parent life for me was, well, there was nothing I did in my life that would lead any person, primarily my dad, to believe that I had any desire to be a parent. Then came my son, and I became "my mother", which is a compliment. I love being a mom more then anything ever! I love my babies, I have extreme tunnel vision for these two, my whole world revolves around them. I do my best to observe my kids, to learn their behavior, and really I just want to figure out what makes them tick. And in turn I guess I am hoping this will lead me to be a better parent. At least to be the best parent I can be that is.

Back to the conversation with my dad...we were talking about the state of the economy, which then turned to our thoughts on what we think the world is going to be like for my kids as they grow up. How much a gallon of gas will cost, and so on. This then headed into discussion on "kids today!" and how they are so different from when my dad was a kid, and even when I was a kid. I of course have to share my two cents on this...

I have a friend who has a son who from what I have observed is a wild child. No rules, no bedtime, no discipline, I could go on. And my advice to this friend was "if you don't give you child rules, the cops will." It seems to me that with each generation we are getting more and more lazy. We have less and less respect for eachother and everything around us. "I wonder" if in the effort to make "life better for our kids" we've become so spoiled, that all hell has broken loose?

My grandparents were hard working, depression era, money saving, more like penny pinching, hard fisted disciplinarians. My parents were similar, not as hard, but I still had the fear, and I knew my limits always. And now...well just turn on the MTV, take a look at My Sweet 16. These kids are having 16 year old birthday parties that cost 100's of thousands of dollars, and act as if they deserve it, like their simple existence deems them worthy of such spending. And for my own peace of mind I have to hope that this is all simply just an effort for their parents to "give their kid what they didn't have." But in the process, what are they teaching our kids? How to waste a ton of money? That spending money is what you do to be better then the next guy?

A few weeks ago, we were leaving a friends house, and across the street we witnessed a fight between what appeared to be a single mother and her son(s). The boy called his mom every name in the book, was throwing things at her, pushed her, I'll spare you the details. This kid had to be in high school, and was bigger then her. But instead of standing her ground, showing him that she was in charge, I heard with my own ears a response that still makes me sick. Instead of calling the cops, which is what I would've done, she basically gave the kid reason to do it again. She went on and on about how she was a bad mother, and must deserve it! Are you effing kidding me?!?! Just ask the kid to punch you in the face next time!

I love the concept of giving our kids a better life then we had, but at the same time, maybe the rules, and the little bit of fear we had with our parents weren't such a bad idea. Maybe it would be wise if parents would step up and invest more time in their kids, be a thorn in their side, be aware of what these kids are doing. Give our kids rules, bug them about what they do, where they go, make it our business, even though they wish it wasn't. We made these kids, and the best way to give these kids a better life is to raise them to be hard working, obedient, thoughtful adults.

I'll get off my soapbox for tonight...peace out!